The Everyday Life of a Goblin
by Koukaze
Summary: See what really goes on at an average day at Gringotts. Rated M due to lots of nut jokes and repetition of cursing.


_Stupid, filthy humans. Those idiots will never get it through their thick undeveloped skulls. It's like trying to teach a baby how to eat another baby. It just simply wont work. On the other hand, teaching_

a goblin how to eat a baby works just fine. Stupid humans. Except for that Harry Potter. He's a bundle of joy, making the ministry feel hell.  


One goblin was interrupted by Harry Potter, who currently had a large order to fill out. "Griphook, I need enough Galleons to buy 5 tons of toothpaste." "Right away sir." _I have no idea what he_

needs 5 tons of toothpaste for, but it's his money. "Your total comes out to Eight Thousand Galleons. Anything else?" In Harry Potter's infinite wisdom, he said "to watch the Malfoy's account

closely." _I bet Harry is going to have fun wiping their account dry. _"Hello Griphook, I am Luna Lovegood. I need enough Galleons from the Malfoys to buy myself 5 tons of strawberry flavored

underwear please." _Harry, it's your funeral. Who cares anyway, you practically defy all known laws of life. _"Malfoy's bank account currently holds 2 knuts. Are you fine with that Ms.Lovegood?" "I'm

sure that his son Draco would love to play around with those 2 knuts, even if they are his fathers. Have a nice day." _That was eventful. Oh crap, the rush hour started.  
_  
"Hey, you stupid goblin, I'm over here!" Looking down, I saw one Lucius Malfoy. _Fun._ "Yes Mr. Malfoy?" "I need my assets to help pay a project I am working on that is NOT related to the

Dark Arts or Lord Moldyshorts." _This is going to be fun. _ "You currently have 2 knuts. Do you wish to withdraw your pair of knuts from your bank account or do you want to leave them there to

collect interest?" _Oh god, I wish I had a camera. Lucius looks like someone just shat in his face! He deserves it anyway. Bloody prat. I swear if I had a camera I could put it on the Gringotts greeting_

cards. That could make a fortune. "WHAT!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I ONLY HAVE TWO KNUTS?" _Everyone thought that Lucius was either A. Mentally deranged or B.Mentally deranged and in need of a_

good spanking. A young girl even asked her mum why the man was angry for having 2 knuts. I heard the mum say something along the lines of "That guy is one bottle short of a bum's recycling

collection" or something. _This day keeps getting better and better. _"Mr.Malfoy, you must either accept that you have two small knuts, or you will leave Gringotts for good. Do you understand?" _This_

idiot is blathering in my face. I need a Scourgify or something. "Scourgify! Luna Lovegood, at your service!" _She's an interesting card. Why is she swinging from chandelier to chandelier though? And_

in strawberry underwear. Oh well, I'm still getting paid. "Next!" _I wonder what idiot is coming next._

"Ah, Dumbledore. What a surprise to see you in Gringotts." "Greeting to you, Mr…?" "Griphook, and what business do you have today?" "I wish to withdraw my two knuts and invest it into

something very important." _This guy is deranged. I swear._ "You do realize that you only have a pair of knuts in your bank account?" "Yes Griphook, I am quite aware of that." _This guy is not_

deranged. He's gone off the deep end of the bloody world. "Very well. Might I ask in what you are investing in?" "Ah, well since J.K. Rowling revealed that I am gay, I must stay in character and

take my pair of knuts to Severus Snape. I believe he is in need of companionship, and has a hard time doing so due to his childhood." _Oh god. Bad thoughts. Old men with old greasy men. Oh_

hell. "Just get out of my sight Dumbledore." _Oh god, I need a bath. Well, I guess I haven't taken one in 8 years. How time flies. _"Next!" "About time. Here is the key to my vault. I need to retrieve

something." _Time to run this key through the scanners… and it says this buffoon here is one Dolores Umbridge. I think I heard Harry say she was an Umbitch. Lets have some fun then. _"Very well,

right this way." Dolores noticed how this particular goblin was choosing the mine cart with a label saying 'Warning: Potentially hazardous to humans as this mine cart goes through volcanic gas

and several other obstacles that will make you scream for your mommy in a hundred and one ways.' "Right this way, Ms.Umbitch." "What did you saaaaaaaaaaaaaaay." The mine kart was

already running. _Lets see how this umbitch likes this little ride. _Twists and turns, upside down tracks, many height hazard bars that Umbitch hit her head on, and several booby traps that left

Umbridge with multiple arrows in her hide, and a bear trap clenched on her ankle that 'dropped from the sky.' "Ms. Umbitch, we have arrived at my destination." Umbitch, being the smart

person she is, said "This is exactly where we started!" _Yes, I know that you bloody idiot. The ride was enjoyable don't you think? _"We had to take that mine cart to see if it was operational. It

seems I was right. We will now take another mine cart down to your vault."

Several attempts on one Dolores Umbridge's life and a few twists on the mine cart and she was at her vault. "I have what I needed WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING." _Stupid bitch. Doesn't she_

know that there are very dark and shiny magical objects in her vault? Did I mention shiny? "You are under arrest for harboring dark magical objects, as stated in the Book of Harboring Dark and

Shiny Magical Objects Section A-106 in Sub section GU-123097, under Paragraph number 123097 of the book, Sentence number 542234679 and Line number 3498726551." "WHAT? HOW DID

ANYONE KNOW THAT I WAS HARBORING DARK AND SHINY OBJECTS!?" Auror number 123098 said, "You just told us you fool. You are going to be put in Azkaban, with a strait jacket and a

roommate called Bubba." _That's the last of her. Always a pleasure to help the savior of the world. Oh wow, look at the time. Its almost time to go home and eat that 3 Children Soup my wife has_

made. 


End file.
